Part Four - Richie's story

I love kids I really do and I wish I had more than just the one, not that she’s not enough for me as she is, still it would’ve been nice to have had a whole brood ya know? Sitting here watching Jilly as she moves effortlessly around the house, taking care of everyone, including all us band guys and our families as well as various in laws and siblings, not to mention Jon and his brood, as well as their own child, Libby, for who’s christening party we’re all here, and I am lost in admiration for her. I see Pippa over the other side of the room and she’s holding Libby.

Wow, I wish I had a camera. Now that is a definite Kodak moment. To see my woman, the professional child hater, holding and, hang on, is that? Yes, cooing over a baby is a revelation. It’s one of the things we argue about, in fact the only thing we ever argue about. I don’t get how a woman can have such a major dislike for children. I mean isn’t that what women are here for? To be maternal and all that? Now before you start on me that’s not what I mean at all. I know women are just as important as men but they are the ones that conceive and carry then give birth to children, it’s part of their genetic make up so to meet one who professes to hate them is a bit weird, that’s all. I just know I’m gonna get hate mail for this.

She doesn’t know I’m watching her. I wonder if I can closer and capture her on my phone with Libby in her arms. I just don’t get it man, she looks so natural holding Libby and playing with her fingers and toes, her long red curls draping over her shoulders and being played with by Libby. As I try to make my way over to her, quietly, I can see Jon watching her as well. He’s such a protective person these days. I mean he’s always been there for us all but ever since he met Jilly, it’s like he wants to wrap her and their child up in cotton wool and protect them from the world. He looks every inch the proud papa. Stephanie and Jesse are in the kitchen with Ava, helping Jilly get the food ready for all us starving people. Jake and Romeo are somewhere outside with playing football with Colt, David’s kid.

Shit man, how did I get here? One minute I’m Mr Rock Star and the next I’m surrounded by kids and sharing the spotlight for the poster band for Family Life. It’s fucking crazy I tell you. I mean all of us have been married and divorced at least once and we’ve all got kids now. We’re almost suburban. Almost….

I am so near to Pip that I can smell her perfume, L’Ombre dans l’eau, before you ask, by diptyque. It’s French, in case you were wondering and has a dry smoky scent that drives me wild. She knows it does. She’s tormenting me at the moment cause I asked her again this morning about having a child together. I won’t repeat what she said only to say I’m glad Ava wasn’t around! I’ve got her framed in my phone. She’s got hold of Libby’s foot and is making her laugh by gently pulling her little toes.

Click! The camera was a bit louder than I realised and now she’s mad with me for taking it but she looked so fucking adorable with Libby that I wanted to capture it. Ha! Getting my own back as she knows she can’t move while Libby’s on her lap. Jon’s in the kitchen, supposedly helping Jilly, but we all know he’s gone in there to kiss her.

“Hey babe.” I say.

“Hey.” she answers, not looking at me but seemingly captivated by this tiny baby, “Isn’t she adorable Rich?”

Eh? Is this Pippa speaking? My Pip? Ok, who are you and what have you done with Pippa?

“Yeah, she is. Be interesting to see who she takes after. Jon’s other kids all share his features.” I say, nonchalantly, though my heart is bursting with love for this woman.

I sit on the edge of the chair she’s sat in and reach over to stroke Libby’s soft baby skin, smelling that universal baby smell of milk and talcum powder.

I breath it in deeply, closing my eyes, a big smile on my face. God I love that smell. That gorgeous clean baby smell that just makes you want to hold on to them and never let them go. It seems Pip isn’t as unaffected as she’d like as she breathes in deeply as well and then sighs.

Libby really is a gorgeous baby, she had a dusting of light brown/blonde hair and the most amazing electric blue eyes that just seem to stare right into your soul. I remember being at the hospital when she was born, as Jon had been in the studio when Jilly went into labour and had been in no fit state to drive, and I was taken right back to when Ava was born. To see another life come from the one you love is the most humbling experience I’ve ever had and I remember just sitting for hours staring at her, unable to take my eyes off her. She was my child. Mine.

I catch Pippa looking at me with a strange expression on her face, almost wistful, and I lean over to drop a kiss on the top of her curls.

I know she has a problem bonding with people, she told me about quite early on in our relationship but I wish she would go and see someone about it and move past it. Whatever happened, happened in the past and can’t be changed. All she can do is change her reaction to it.

Jon comes over.

“Hey Rich, Pip. Can I take her? Jilly needs to feed her.”

“Yeah sure Jon.” Pippa says as she scoops her up to hand her over to her proud daddy.

“She been ok?”

“Oh she’s been fine, we’ve been playing pull the toes. It’s a new game but I’m sure it’ll catch on.” Pippa smiles up at him as he takes his precious cargo and walks off to where Jilly’s waiting.

Pippa leans back in her chair and stretches her neck.

“You got knots babe?” I ask, gently pressing down on her shoulders.

The wince followed by a groan tell me I’m correct. Still she has spent the better part of an hour all hunched up, playing with Libby, so I’m not really surprised.

“Mmm” she whispers as I press harder.

She turns away from me, holding her hair out of the way and presenting me with her back. I put both hands on her shoulder and begin the massage. I dig deep knowing she loves it, feeling the skin and muscle become more pliant under my touch.

“I love the smell of babies. Don’t you?” I ask, knowing she’s relaxed.

“Yeah, it’s a wonderful smell.”

“Libby is just so gorgeous isn’t she? Jon says she’s hardly ever cried since they brought her home and that she sleeps straight through the night as well.”

“Mmm? Really?” Pippa mumbles, her eyes closed.

“Wouldn’t you like one?” I slip the question in knowing she’s relaxed enough to answer me truthfully and wondering why I haven’t done this before. Pippa has a tendency to hide her feelings until she’s fully relaxed or drunk, then you can get them from her easily.

“Oh yeah, I’d love that.” she murmurs, then stills. Her eyes fly open and she twists to look at me.

“Son of a bitch!” she hisses at me, “I can’t believe you’ve asked me that.”

The smile vanishes from my face as I look at her, her face is completely pale, those huge tiger eyes staring at me in a blind panic over what she’s just let slip.

She gets up from her chair and walks out the back into the garden. When I catch up with her I find she’s managed to grab a cigarette from someone, Tico probably, and is puffing away furiously. She glares at me as I approach.

“Why do you always have to bring it up? Why can’t you just let it be?” she asks, dropping ash onto the grass.

“You know why babe.” I say, determined to stand my ground and not give in.

“Don’t Richie, just don’t. Why can’t you just be happy with me?” she asks over her shoulder as she walks off, away from me.

I am happy with you I wanna shout out after her but no words come out. I am happy with her, I just feel that having a child would cement what we have. But that ain’t gonna happen all the time she has that in her head

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“What ya doing babe?” I asked her as she pulled away from me to rummage around in the bedside cabinet.

“Condom.” was her muffled reply, her backside wiggling almost in my face. I stretched out a finger and lazily rubbed her clit, causing her to stiffen and moan.

“That can wait” I said as I pulled her back to me and thrust my fingers inside her. Pippa moaned loudly and began to buck under my touch as I gently rubbed her clit and finger fucked her. I could feel her orgasm coming and knew I had to have her there and then.

I began to push my way into her, she was so totally lost in her orgasm that she didn’t really register what was happening until I was fully sheathed inside her. Oh god it felt so good, her hot flesh contracting around mine. I almost came right then. Slowly I pulled out and then slammed back into her, causing her to throw her head back, her eyes fluttering, her hair spread across the pillow. God she was so tight and hot I knew it wasn’t going to be long for me. I could feel the heat as my balls contracted and it began to spiral upwards. Grunting I thrust in and out, a few more strokes. The white heat was now becoming unbearable and I groaned and called her name as it sped upwards and out into her.

I flopped down onto the bed besides her and drew her in for a cuddle. She opened her eyes and stared aghast at me.

“Richie! Oh my god, you didn’t use…” the look of panic across her face started to scare me.

“What?” I asked, then belatedly remembered the condom I hadn’t used, “Oh.”

“Oh? Is that all you’ve got to say? Oh?” she stared at me, getting angry.

“It’s no biggie is it? I mean we are together, we have a committed relationship. Maybe a child would be a good thing?” I said, reaching out for a breast to play with.

She sat up so suddenly my hand flew back off her and smacked me in the face. At any other time it would’ve been comical but one look at her face told me this was not one of those times.

“Are you out of your fucking mind? Since when has having a child been a good thing for us? Have I ever said I wanted a child? No! In fact I’ve told you all along I don’t want children.” she all but spat at me.

“Yeah you have but you’ve never said why.” I said quietly.

“Because.”

I just stared at her.

“Pip, tell me. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me. Come on we’ve been together for 2 months, can’t you trust me?”
She sighed and leant back against the headboard.

“This is the longest relationship I’ve ever had with a man.” she began in a small voice, I grabbed her hand and squeezed it, “I’ve never been able to bond with anyone, so why I’ve bonded with you is a mystery to me,” she laughed mirthlessly.

I sat up and looked at her, not saying a word, as a single tear ran down her cheek. I knew it was costing her a lot to be this open and all I could do was support her.

“When I was born my mum suffered from post partum depression and didn’t want to be anywhere near me. She was cold and distant towards me, but no one knew why. My Nan looked after me for the first six months of my life until she died, then my mum had to take over but her heart wasn’t really in it. When my brother came along she had a different doctor who put her on medication and she took to him straight away. All my childhood all I ever wanted was for my mum to hug me like she hugged my brother but she rarely did. When I met Jilly it was like I had a new family as she and her parents were so demonstrative with each other and included me in that. From about the age of 8 when Jilly moved in next door, I spent most of my time with her and her family. At one point I remember asking her mum if she would adopt me and she thought it was so funny she told my mum who just became more cold towards me and told me she wished I‘d never been born, that I was a bad one. I had to be otherwise she‘d feel more for me than she did. So now you know the reason why.” she finished and looked down at her lap.

“Oh honey,” I said, pulling her into a hug, “That’s awful. Do you think you’d be like that? Is that the real reason you don’t want children?” I asked, feeling her nodding against my shoulder,

“Oh sweetheart, don’t cry. You’re not to blame for that, nor should you think you’d be the same.” I tilted her head up to look into her eyes, “Listen to me darlin’, I am never going to leave you, ok? I am here for you and I love you.”

She burst into tears and sobbed on my shoulder. I wanted to find her mum and kill her for what she’d done to her daughter.

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I give her 20 minutes to find a spot and settle down then I go looking for her. I find her in her favourite spot. Jilly’d had a bench installed in a secluded part of the garden, mainly to give Jon some peace and quiet away from the family but Pippa loved it too. It was by a small fish pond.

“Hey.” I say softly as I sit next to her.

“Hey.” she replies, staring at the koi carp in the pond.

“I’m sorry babe, I just get overwhelmed with happiness for Jon and I guess I want some for myself.”

“But you’ve got Ava.” she says.

“Yeah, but she’s not yours.”

“I…I…I loved holding Libby, I just get so scared that if she was mine I’d feel nothing for her and she’d end up all fucked up like me.”

“You are nothing like your mum. You are a kind, crazy, wild, loving woman who I love with all my heart, and there’s nothing wrong with being fucked up at times. The trouble comes when you know what’s wrong but you don’t fix it.” I say, holding her close to me, feeling for the first time the vulnerability under the brash surface, “besides do you really think I’d let you get away with not loving our child? I’d whomp yo ass woman!” I say, smiling at her.

“Oh Richie I love you so much.” she says, leaning back on me, “So who do you think they’d take after? Me or you?” she says, stretching her legs out.

I just smile and hug her.