Part Six - Jon's Story

I’ve just hurt my wife

I could feel her wincing as I slammed into her but I just couldn’t stop myself. I shut my eyes so I wouldn’t see the hurt on her face or the silent accusations on her beautiful face.

I stand under the shower feeling the hot water trying to wash away my worry. Jilly is my life but she’s been so different these past six months that I’m scared to ask why just in case she’s gone off me or something. You might think I’m stupid for worrying but that’s exactly what happened with Dot. One day it was fine and the next we were talking divorce. I couldn’t bear it if Jilly feels like that.

I can’t believe I actually hurt her physically. I feel sick. Maybe if I just stand here and let the water flow for a few more minutes it’ll all go away and be back to normal. Now who’s being stupid? This ain’t gonna go away until we talk it through and if it’s over then I will just have to deal with it.

Oh god, I feel really sick. My heart is pounding and my chest hurts. I wish Richie were here. Well not right here as he’d be in the shower with me and that’s not a place I’d like to go. I just wish he was in the country so I could phone him and talk this through with him. He’d know what to say. My god, how many songs have I written? I’m even in the Songwriters Hall of Fame for Chrissake and I can’t think of a single thing to say to Jilly. My mind has gone blank and that’s never happened before. Not once, not even that time when I forgot the lyrics for a split second on stage. I was exhausted at the end of the Jersey tour and for a second or two I just couldn’t think of the lyrics of Livin’ but even then I recovered and finished the song. Course that tour damn near finished me and as for my voice? Well for a while I wasn’t sure I’d ever sing again but all through that my mind worked just fine, hell I even wrote Glory off the back of that damned tour after getting lost in the Desert for a few days with Dot. Damn, I thought I was gonna be some coyote’s meal at one point and hoped it’d choke to death on my hair but never once did I lose the ability to think.

Ok. Time to face the music, so to speak, plus my skin’s gone wrinkly and that’s just not a good look on me…

I walk back into the scene of the crime, cause it is a crime to hurt your loved ones deliberately and I knew I was. A balmy breeze is blowing the voile curtains in. She must be out on the balcony. It’s a peaceful place our balcony. It overlooks the Pacific and you can hear the surf pounding onto the sand below. Pounding. Not a word I want to think about right now.

I can see her out on the balcony, her short blonde hair shining in the moonlight. She has my robe on and, is she?, yes, she’s smoking one of my cigarettes.

Shit. She hasn’t smoked in years. Not since the day her ex blew his brains out in front of her. This must be bad. My god I’m not even 50 and I’m going to have two divorces behind me.

I know she’s not been happy for a while. I can see it in her eyes and her posture -when she thinks I’m not looking she slumps a little, like she has the weight of the world on her lovely shoulders. Oh god I bruised her as well. Well done Jonny Boy, how to alienate your wife and get divorced in two easy steps.

I can’t even think what could have happened to set this in motion? After all I’ve given her everything she could possibly want. She doesn’t want for anything; neither she nor Libby.

Oh…Libby.

My beautiful, precious daughter #2. I couldn’t bear to go through another battle like I did with Dot. Maybe if I give her custody she’ll let me see Lib when I want.

Oh for god’s sake Jon, get a grip. You’re not even sure what the problem is. Go out there and talk to her. She’s your wife. Your beautiful, loving wife. Who you just hurt, intentionally. Because you’re a git. A right git, as Jilly would call you. Me? I think I’m an asshole.

I walk out onto the balcony and look at her as she blows smoke out over the railings. All of a sudden I can feel anger towards her. I’m not the one to blame here. She is. If she’s not been happy for the past six months or so then she should’ve told me why, not left me to figure it out. She should’ve respected me that much but no she didn’t. Does she respect me? I thought so but now I’m not so sure.

She turns to look at me, apprehension in her eyes. I deserve that, at least.

“Jilly, we need to talk.” I say, my voice sounding odd in the stillness of the night. It’s as if all the local nocturnal creatures have taken the night off.

She nods and sits down at the glass table, leaning her cigarette in the Swarovski crystal ashtray that Richie had commissioned me for my 45th birthday. He told me if I was never going to give up then I should at least smoke surrounded by luxury. The moonlight glints off it as tendrils of blue smoke rise above it.

I sit down in the chair next to her and look at her. I can see a slight trail where she’s cried. Oh god I hope that wasn’t during though I have the horrible feeling that it was.

We sit in an uncomfortable silence, both waiting for the other to speak first. After an age I open my mouth but she beats me to it.

“Why?” she asks, lighting up another cigarette.

Childishly I want to say Why What? But I know exactly what she’s talking about. Why did I hurt her? I think about bluffing it out saying that I didn’t realise but of course she’d see straight through that one.

I look her straight in the eye as I reach over to snag a cigarette for myself. I remember the first time she asked me if I had a fag. I nearly fell off the sofa in shock. How was I to know that fag is UK slang for a cigarette and is not exclusively used to describe someone who’s gay.

“Why?” I asked, quietly trying to buy my brain some time, “Because I wanted to hurt you like you’ve hurt me that’s why.”

Way to go Jon, tell the truth! Now why didn’t I think of that before?

“Hurt you? How have I hurt you?” she asks, her voice rising with anger.

“How long have you been unhappy? About six months? And have you told me once what the matter is? No. And that hurts Jill.” I can see my use of her official name has shocked her into silence. I’ve almost never called her Jill or Jillian as she hates them. It’s always been Jilly. The last time I called her Jill was at our wedding.

She sits there silently, just smoking.

“Jilly, do you want a divorce?” I ask, quickly.

There, it’s out in the open. All I have to do now is be brave for the answer.

“What?” she asks, incredulously, rising from her seat to stand by the railings.

“Is it a divorce that you’re after? Have I made you that unhappy?” Oh boy the floodgates are open now. I ask one question and a whole herd of them are queuing up to be asked.

“Jon? What in hells name has gotten into you? Why would I want to divorce you? I love you, with all my heart, which you bloody well know,” She looks at me, her eyes suddenly suspicious of my questioning, “Why? Have you done something that would warrant a divorce?” she asks, tears suddenly appearing in her eyes.

Oh fuck! She thinks I’ve cheated on her.

“Oh hell Jilly, No! I’ve done nothing.” I say, really wanting to reach out to her but..I can’t, not yet, not till I find out what’s making her unhappy.

She sits back down and reaches for the cigarettes. There’s no point in me telling her that she doesn’t actually smoke, so I just pass her the lighter.

“Oh god Jon? Have I been that apparent?” she asks, looking straight at me, “I’m so sorry I was trying so hard to hide it. I never wanted to hurt you but there just didn’t seem to be a right way or time to tell you.”

My heart takes a sudden nose dive into my feet. I just know she’s going to tell me she’s been seeing someone else.

“I’ve made a decision and it’s going to have a major impact on everyone. I’ve wanted to tell you for so long now but, what with dealing with Libby and having Stephanie some and stay - not that I begrudge her anything, cause I don’t, but it’s all added up and just made it more difficult to find the right time to tell you.”

“What’s his name?” I ask, my eyes hard to hide the pain.

“What? Who’s name? Dr Daughtry? Is that who you mean?”

“A doctor? You’ve been seeing a doctor?”

“Well yes, who else would I see?”

“And yet you don’t want a divorce?” I was confused by now.

“Jon? What the hell are you talking about? Of course I needed to see Dr Daughtry if I’m going to be her student while I study for my Masters.” As was she apparently.

“What?”

Jilly reaches over and takes my hands into hers. Such small hands, yet they fit perfectly into mine.

“Jon, I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to tell you but I’m going back to school, well University to be precise, in order to study for my Masters and then my PhD. I am sorry Jon. I should’ve told you but I just didn’t want to hurt you by telling you that this isn’t enough for me. I need to do something else other than being a wife and mother. I want to be a CSI. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do, I just never got round to it, partly due to Pippa and partly cause I just couldn’t be bothered. You’re not angry with me are you?” she asks, love shining through her eyes.

My heart bursts back into my chest and I laugh, a real deep belly laugh that has her smiling in perplexity.

“Oh come here my beautiful wife. I am so sorry for hurting you.” I mumble as I bury my face into her hair and breathe in her unique scent.

“Just don’t do it again.” she mutters back, wrapping her arms around my neck and stretching up on tip toes to kiss me.

“Jilly, next time you have a problem, just talk to me.” I ask her, thankful to have her back.

“Ok.” she whispers as she snuggles into me and we watch the play of moonlight on the ocean, content and safe with each other.